How to Know If Your Partner Is Asexual: A Step-by-Step Guide

If you’ve ever found yourself wondering, “Is my partner asexual?”, you are not alone. Many couples struggle with mismatched sexual desire, leaving one partner confused and the other pressured. Without proper understanding, this gap can damage trust, intimacy, and long-term compatibility.

The truth is, sexual orientation and sexual desire are complex. A lack of interest in sex doesn’t always mean a person is asexual. Sometimes it’s due to stress, medical conditions, or relationship conflicts. Other times, it may indeed reflect an asexual orientation, which means your partner experiences little or no sexual attraction.

This guide will walk you through clear, respectful steps to find out whether your partner may be asexual, how to approach the conversation without hurting them, and how working with a psychosexologist like Rishabh Bhola can help you both find answers and save your relationship.

What does “asexual” mean?

Asexuality is a sexual orientation where a person feels little or no sexual attraction toward others. Some asexual people still want romance, affection, and close companionship, but they may not feel a natural pull toward sexual intimacy.

It’s important to understand that:

• Asexuality is not the same as low libido caused by stress, medication, or health issues.

• Asexuality exists on a spectrum. Some may identify as gray-asexual (rarely feeling attraction) or demisexual (attraction only after deep emotional bonds).

• Asexual people can and do have fulfilling relationships when both partners communicate openly.

Why this matters in relationships

If one partner wants sex regularly and the other does not, misunderstandings and resentment can easily grow. The sexually active partner may feel rejected, while the asexual partner may feel pressured or misunderstood.

Identifying whether the issue is a sexual orientation or a temporary concern allows both partners to focus on solutions that respect each other’s needs. That clarity often saves relationships from unnecessary conflict.

Step-by-step guide to know if your partner may be asexual

Step 1 — Begin with curiosity, not blame

Instead of accusing your partner of “not wanting sex,” start from a place of care. A statement like, “I’ve noticed we seem to have different levels of sexual interest. I’d like to understand what feels right for you,” opens the door to honest conversation.

Step 2 — Observe patterns over time

Ask yourself:

• Is this lack of sexual interest consistent across months or years?

• Does your partner seem indifferent to sex, regardless of the situation or stress level?

• Do they enjoy romance, closeness, or affection but not sexual intimacy?

Asexuality tends to show as a long-standing pattern, not a sudden change.

Step 3 — Distinguish attraction from behavior

Your partner may occasionally engage in sex but for reasons other than attraction—such as pleasing you, maintaining closeness, or enjoying physical sensation. Asexual people can still enjoy aspects of sex but don’t feel the sexual “pull” that others naturally do.

Understanding this difference prevents mislabeling them as “disinterested” or “cold.”

Step 4 — Ask thoughtful, gentle questions

At the right time, consider questions such as:

• “Do you feel sexually attracted to people?”

• “Have you ever felt sexual attraction before?”

• “Do you feel more comfortable with affection that isn’t sexual?”

• “Have you ever thought about identifying as asexual?”

The key is to listen without judgment, letting them answer honestly.

Step 5 — Rule out medical or emotional causes

Sometimes what looks like asexuality is actually a temporary drop in desire. Stress, depression, relationship tension, medication side effects, or hormonal imbalances can all suppress libido.

Before concluding, it’s wise to encourage a health check-up and review of lifestyle factors. If those are resolved and desire remains unchanged, it may point more toward asexuality.

Step 6 — Pay attention to their past and self-reflection

Partners who say they’ve never felt sexual attraction—not during teenage years, not in previous relationships, not even toward celebrities or fantasies—may naturally fall on the asexual spectrum.

Encouraging them to share their inner experiences helps bring clarity.

Step 7 — Respect their timeline for identity

Coming to terms with being asexual can take time. Some people embrace the label early, while others resist it or only realize after years of confusion. Respect your partner’s pace and avoid pressuring them for a definite answer.

Step 8 — Make a shared plan for your relationship

Once you both have a clearer picture, the next step is deciding how to move forward together. Options include:

• Strengthening non-sexual intimacy (touch, cuddling, shared activities).

• Negotiating a balance where sexual activity happens in ways that feel comfortable.

• Exploring open relationship arrangements if both partners consent.

• Seeking professional guidance to design a sustainable plan.

How a psychosexologist can help

A psychosexologist specializes in understanding the psychology of sexual desire, orientation, and relationships. For couples questioning whether one partner may be asexual, professional help is often the turning point.

Here’s how Rishabh Bhola, as a psychosexologist, can help:

1. Accurate assessment

He helps distinguish between asexuality and low sexual desire caused by stress, health, or psychological concerns. This prevents misdiagnosis and unnecessary strain.

2. Safe environment for exploration

Partners often struggle to talk openly about sex. A psychosexologist provides a neutral, supportive space where both can share feelings without fear of judgment.

3. Communication coaching

Dr. Bhola teaches couples how to ask sensitive questions, express needs without blame, and negotiate intimacy in ways that preserve love and trust.

4. Intimacy-building techniques

If mismatched desire is the issue (not asexuality), tools like sensate focus and gradual intimacy exercises help rebuild connection and reduce pressure.

5. Relationship planning

For couples where one partner is asexual, Dr. Bhola helps design realistic arrangements—focusing on emotional closeness, alternative ways to express love, or ethical compromises.

6. Healing related mental health issues

If anxiety, depression, or trauma is influencing sexual interest, therapy addresses these underlying factors to improve both personal wellbeing and relationship quality.

Tips for a healthy conversation with your partner

• Choose a calm, private setting.

• Use “I feel” statements instead of blame.

• Show gratitude for their honesty.

• Avoid ultimatums; give time for reflection.

• Consider scheduling a joint session with a psychosexologist for guidance.

Frequently asked questions

Q: Can asexual people still be in love?Yes. Asexuality only refers to lack of sexual attraction. Many asexual individuals experience deep romantic and emotional bonds.

Q: Is asexuality a problem or disorder?No. Asexuality is a valid orientation, not an illness. The problem arises only when partners misunderstand or dismiss it.

Q: How common is asexuality?While estimates vary, research shows that asexuality is a recognized identity experienced by a measurable portion of people worldwide.

Final thoughts

Wondering if your partner is asexual can feel overwhelming, but the answer doesn’t have to mean the end of your relationship. With compassion, curiosity, and professional support, many couples find ways to thrive even with differences in sexual desire.

As a psychosexologist, Rishabh Bhola helps individuals and couples explore their sexual identities, improve communication, and create relationship plans that work for both partners. If you are struggling with these questions, don’t wait for distance to grow. Seek guidance, and take the first step toward clarity and connection.